MORE on the inside and the outside

I recently did a workshop with my friend and workshop colleague, Sarah Savasky, who is an excellent style consultant. While we were creating the workshop, we saw more and more how alike our professions are—helping people get clearer about who they are and learning to express themselves. Her work focuses on the outside and mine on the inside.

This duality is often seen in my work with clients. A lot of times when clients are talking about some of the changes they are making in their lives—examining old patterns and altering them so they are more consistent with what they really want—I also hear they are examining the more physical things. Many times they are de-cluttering and simplifying. They are getting rid of all that extra STUFF they no longer need.

And sometimes it can be that they get a new haircut or start dressing a bit differently. I actually went through this myself pretty recently as well. When I moved back to California and realized how RIGHT it was for me to be here, there was just one thing that seemed a bit off. And that thing was my clothes. I had been used to dressing to ‘fit in’ as that was what I was most comfortable doing when I was in Sweden. That meant I wore A LOT of dark clothes most of the time. I didn’t want to call attention to myself so I played it ‘safe’.

Once here, I realized I craved more color, more mixing and matching and a bit more fun and even small bursts of quirkiness in my wardrobe. I felt so much like me on the inside that the outside was screaming to catch up. Thank goodness I had the help of Sarah—who guided me in seeing my clothes in new ways. In working with her, I was able to start playing and experimenting and having a lot more fun with my look and sense of style. Putting the outside and inside in alignment in that way made ME even stronger.

That consistency is BIG. Part of the MORE you are meant to be living means ALL of YOU wants and needs to shine. You don’t want to be hiding behind something that isn’t really you. So think about this in your own life. Are you being consistent in the expression of yourself both on the inside AND the outside? Does one need more attention than the other right now? What one small (or big!) thing could you do today that would bring the inside and outside YOU into even more alignment?

Image: africa / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

The Refresh Button: Becoming Bi-Continental, Part 2

It took a little while before I understood it all. I was actually a little confused when I started feeling the urge to sell my apartment in Stockholm. Hadn’t I wanted 2 homes? Hadn’t I wanted to become Bi-Continental? And now that was so close, how could I just ‘give that up’? I think other people were confused too. I had been talking about this forever and then suddenly, I was just ready to change my mind. How could that be? Didn’t I need that home to fulfill that Bi-Continental Life dream?

The most amazing thing was that this decision was NOT a hard one for me. It was actually one of the most clear choices I have made in my life. And I can say I have struggles with a large number of choices—making pro and cons lists, talking to people over and over, deliberating back and forth. There was NONE of that this time. I was unsure for a while, but I just let it be that way.

Once I did KNOW, I knew that it would be emotional to let go of my apartment, to let go of my job, to let go of an extremely comfortable daily life with a great number of friends and colleagues who I love. I also realized that although I knew that would be emotional, it also felt right so it wasn’t that hard. The hardest part, actually, was letting go of the IDEA of the Bi-continental Life. I had dreamed of it for so long. How could I just suddenly let it go?

And then it hit me one day. I realized that all along I had been so rigid with my definition of Bi-Continental that I didn’t know that really I HAD been living it for years. Not just KIND of living it, but REALLY living it. I AM Bi-Continental. And it has NOTHING to do with HAVING a home in two places. It has, instead, EVERYTHING to do with the fact that I FEEL at home in two places. So no wonder it was easy to see my apartment. I have already achieved my dream. I had just forgotten to hit that essential refresh button so I was using the right definition.

What does this story bring up for you? Is there somewhere in your life that you are living with an old definition of what you want or who you want to be?

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Becoming Bi-Continental, Part 1

Back in 1999, I came up with the idea/dream/vision of leading what I called my Bi-continental Life. I was living in Turku, Finland at the time teaching English at the University there. I had been hired on a temporary contract for a year although I ended up staying there for 2 and a half in total. About halfway through, my friend Kat came to visit me from the US. It was in conversations with her that the Bi-Continental idea was born. There were people in the US that we knew talked about bi-coastal--having a home on both sides of the US. So why not think bigger?

I enjoyed aspects of living in Europe, but I liked being back in the US too. So I decided, why limit myself? I could have it all. I could have a home in Europe and a home in the US. Now let me assure you this was a pretty new way of thinking for me. And if I thought ‘practically’, there was really no reason to believe this was a do-able option. Especially at the salary I was making at the time. But I knew even then that life is FULL of options and that having a clear vision was the place to start. I knew there were plenty of people living their dreams, so why couldn’t that be true for me as well?

And in the next 10 years, it did become true although maybe not in the exact way I had thought. I ended up making a life for myself in Sweden. I got a good job, I eventually bought an apartment in downtown Stockholm (this was the first time I owned property so this was BIG!). And every 6 months I went back to California and stayed for 3 - 5 weeks. Now, I didn’t have one home there. But I had places where I stayed that felt like home every time I went.

I did that for a total of 9 years. And at the end of that time, I started feeling like I wanted to spend more time in California. So I did a test. I took a leave of absence for a year, rented out my apartment and came to live in California. And during those months, I realized that the idea of the Bi-Continental that I had (two homes in two countries) was not at all what I really wanted….
To be continued in the next post…

Image: Idea go / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Transitioning from Just Fine to MORE

Finding YOUR MORE is definitely a process and I would say it is really a transition. A transition from living a life that is Just Fine to living a life that is full, fulfilling and MORE than fine. During this transition process, you get to redefine yourself in the world, finding and living the life you know you want to live.

Now transitions are a huge part of life. They are also a part that people often don’t know quite enough about. There is a lot that goes on in a transition process. And if we aren’t aware of some of the steps, it can easily feel as if we are lost, on the wrong path, or we might even start questioning whether we really want what we think we want. All of this is normal and part of the process.

I will talk about this process intermittently in the posts to come. Let’s start, though, at the beginning. Pretty good place to start, don’t you think? The first important element in terms of transitions is understanding the difference between change and transition. We often use these words interchangeably, but they are very different. First of all, remember that change is a one-time occurrence. It is not a process. What IS a process is the transition that a change might bring. The transition is your own internal process of redefining or reinventing yourself after the change. Just separating these two concepts can be helpful. Because if a change does happen and you feel like your control is gone, remember that the next part—the process—is all YOURS. The change took place and it’s over. What comes AFTER the change is your own internal process and you have control over that. This is where you take your power back whether you decided on the change or not.

Useful questions to ask yourself here are things like Who do I want to be now after this change? or What can this change allow me to become?

So in this case, it could be some change happened in your life that made you realize that you want MORE. That could really be anything. Or maybe it was a number of changes that led you to where you are today. Whatever the change, whatever caused you to become really serious, really committed to finding and living your MORE, this now time for YOUR transition.

So go ahead...ask yourself these questions... Who do you want to be once you have made this change? What can this change allow me to become?

The Importance of Space

I KNOW that part of the MORE that we are looking for starts with an element of space. Space? you might wonder. Space can be a challenging thing to find in life today. There is SO much to fill our lives with—material things, mental and physical to-do lists and all those thoughts that are continuously filling our minds. I realize that for many people the idea of having a little space—for reflection, for quiet, for just being in the moment and enjoying it, whatever it brings—can seem very far away, even daunting.

And that’s OK. It’s even understandable if you look around at our world today. However, without the space, it is quite challenging to really see, find and live your MORE. Without the space, there is SO much stuff clouding your view, it is almost impossible to know what that MORE is let alone be able to live it.

I know from my own experience and that of my clients, that when we give ourselves that space, the possibility for clarity and for fulfillment increases tremendously. So this week, I ask you to bring more space into your life. 'What exactly does that mean?', you might be asking. Well, only you know what that looks like for you. Space could be SO many things…it could be 10 minutes of writing in a journal, or a walk outside feeling the ground beneath your feet and the air in your lungs. It could be meditating or doing yoga or painting or dancing. The criteria for space is the following: you want there to be quiet, you want to quiet your mind as much as possible and focus on whatever you are doing. You can even use your senses to get away from those thoughts. Focus on all that you are hearing, all that you are feeling on your skin, etc.

The above are just examples. Space comes in many forms and sizes. And don’t be worried about the amount of time you spend doing this. If any of this sounds overwhelming, you can start by just bringing space to mind a few times a day. When that feels natural, you can start experimenting on a small scale and see how it feels. There is no right answer. And what feels right might change daily or you might want to have the same routine every day. Be patient with yourself, especially if this feels challenging. Getting comfortable with space is a first step in getting clearer about the unique version of MORE that is YOURS.

Image: Karen Harding / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

My Own More Than Fine Story

I lived in the Just Fines for most of my life. Looking in from the outside, you would think I had everything I needed to feel completely fulfilled. But there was always an element missing. At times I could ignore it and at others, it was just like this dull ache that sapped my energy and left me feeling blaaaaah.

I did lots of things to find the More that I was looking for. But in the beginning, all of these things were outside of myself. Looking back, I now see that one of my strategies for dealing with the Just Fines was to push myself and give myself challenging new things to do.

I learned a lot through those experiences and did a lot of interesting and fun things--I was an exchange student in Sweden for a year and then ended up staying for 6 more years, I returned to school in my 30s and earned my Masters in TESOL and then I went off to teach English at a university in Finland. I returned to Sweden for 8 more years and taught Business English and managed the Language Department at a Training company. So while I learned a lot through these big transitions, this strategy would only work for a little while and then those Just Fines would creep back in.

The beginning of the turnig point for me was when I made a pivotal Just Fine decision. I was in California and I took a job that seemed Fine, but was so wrong for me that I ended up getting really sick. That was a really dark time in my life and it was after that, I started waking up and paying more attention.

And the end of the big turning point came a few years ago when I started working with a coach. At the time, I was living in Sweden, leading a good life and I was at a perfect Just Fine stage and that aching had returned. Working with a coach changed my life. I started really getting clear about what was important to me in life and stopped basing decisions on what made sense or what I ‘should’ do.

Today, I am living my MORE--which is exciting,fulfilling and fills me with contentment and joy. That doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges, changes and transitions all the time. It just means that I am living from that place of knowing and enjoying where I am right now and finding my own power in this whole process.

What does my story bring up for you?

What do YOU value?

One of the first steps in getting out of the 'Just Fines' is to get really clear about what you value in life. Sometimes you know what you value. For example, Family, might be an important value for you. And you spend a lot of your time with your family--connecting with them and learning and growing together. That IS a value and if this is the case for you, it sounds like you live by this value.

But it could be that you THINK you value something. Say, you always thought a “career” was important to you--moving up the career ladder into management. And then as you advance, you feel less and less excited about your job, you have less energy and less motivation. That could very well be that career advancement is not a value of yours. Maybe it is connection, or creativity or providing support--something you had more of when you first started out in your career.

So if you are in the ‘just fines’, feeling stuck and unfulfilled, looking at what you REALLY value is and excellent first step. This isn’t something you necessarily do in one sitting. You might have seen those lists that Life Coaches love to give out (yep, even me!). Click here to see an example if you don't know what I mean. These lists can definitely be helpful. They can also be overwhelming! If this list/exercise interests you in any way, give it a try! It’s a good way to get started.

But if it feels like too much for you, I’m with you. The first and second time I did this, I tried hard to complete it and I did eventually. The funny thing was I had NO idea which values I picked afterwards. So the approach I took was a bit different. Instead of doing this in one sitting, I had it in the back of the mind all the time. And as I worked with my coach, we identified these values more slowly. Each time I found one, I FELT it. It was like I could feel the word in my whole body and I KNEW it was a value.

So explore, experiment, see what comes up for you. When you have the 3 - 6 things that you TRULY value in life, you can put these in your travel bag. They are essential to you on your journey to the MORE Than Just Fine.

Something More

So what exactly IS Something MORE? That is an excellent question! And it really depends on who you are and where you are right now. I can say, though, that FINDING that something MORE is exciting and fun. It is a process of discovery and exploration.

And although the something MORE can include dreams of a new job, a new home, more money, a new relationship, those things will come and go. So when you get that thing you are dreaming of, you will undoubtedly put a new “thing” on your list.

So instead of focusing on the ‘things’ that will give you more, you can look at how it will feel when you have the MORE you are looking for. For many clients I have worked with, the feeling of contentment is often one that is fleeting and one they want more of. A lot of times, you don’t linger long enough to truly feel it. We are so wrapped up in getting things done and moving onto the next thing to ‘do’ that we allow no space to feel the contentment we are searching for.

In the next few days, think about YOUR something more. What does that look like? What does your More FEEL like? How will you know when you have it?

What Do YOU Want?

So.....what’s your answer? Well, you might have just listed a lot of things. I want more time, I want a new car, I want some lunch--I’m hungry. Ok, wait. Let’s start over....What do you REALLY want in life? Woh-a, you say...That’s a big one. Yes, it IS big. And your life is big too. And sometimes we spend a lot of years working toward something we THINK we want. And when we get there, it might be just ok. Or maybe we realize along the way, we really didn’t want THIS exactly.Or maybe we get there and it’s great...for a month, a day, an hour.

Knowing what YOU really want is a huge element of getting out of the ‘Just Fines’. It is quite common that we have made decisions that SEEMed right or made sense or were what everyone expected us to do or what everyone else was doing. And this is a sure way to end up in the Just Fines. Because if you didn’t make the choices based on what YOU truly wanted, then they weren’t YOUR choices and although they might lead you to fine, it is unlikely they will result in the MORE you are looking for.

So wherever you are right now, start thinking about what YOU truly want. What is it that gives you energy, what inspires you? What fills you up inside when you think about it? There are plenty of tools out there to help you explore more. But start with these simple questions and see where they take you. Start collecting some clues as to what you want your life to look like when you have stopped settling for Just Fine--there is SO much more out there for you. I KNOW there is!

Welcome to the More Than Just Fine Blog

Welcome to my first post here on More Than Just Fine. This feels a bit monumental as I am not a blogger. Wait, what am I saying? That is obviously not true as I am blogging as I write this. I have not BEEN a blogger in the past nor have I ever thought I would be a blogger. But recently, due to a number of different events that I will talk more about in future blogs, I realized that the blogging world was pulling me in.

I have spent the last few years re-designing my life -- making it truly my OWN life. This is not necessarily an easy feat. And as there was actually nothing really wrong with my life before, there was one element that I have been acutely aware of during the process. It was vitally important that the life I designed be MORE than just fine. Fine is fine. But I wanted MORE than fine. And I knew it was out there. I just didn’t know how to get it or...to be honest, I didn’t really even know what that MORE looked like.

I was stuck in what I call the Just Fines for quite a while. And although it can be an ok place to be for a while, when you are stuck there it feels stifling and stagnant and uninspiring. When you are there, it can sometimes feel like you will never find your way--like you will always have this hole to fill, this thing to fix. I can tell you from personal experience that there IS more to life than Just Fine. If you are currently stuck there, it is possible to get out. I promise. And not get out for just a little while, but get out for GOOD!

I have learned LOADS along the way to finding my MORE than just fine. And I am now coaching people in getting out of the Just Fines and finding their own unique version of MORE. And this blog is an extension of that. So that is my main intention with this blog--to inspire and support YOU.

So what is your MORE and are you living it? If you are not sure what that MORE might be or even if you are, but you know you are not yet living it...come along with me. Finding my MORE was the best journey of my life (and I have had some good ones!) and I would be willing to bet that it will be yours too!

Inspirational Reads and Websites

•My book pick of the month is Transitions by William Bridges. I read this book years ago and have been recently re-reading it. There is so much here. The thing I have gotten from it this time is just that we can use the power of change instead of being overpowered by it. What a comforting thought, don't you think?

•The Energy of Money by Maria Nemeth. This is an interesting book all about your relationship to money. It is not a "financial" book, but more of a spiritual book about looking at yourself, your TRUE self, and creating the kind of relationship to money that best supports YOU.

•Want some fun and lightness every weekday? Sign up for Notes from the Universe. Every day you will receive a personalized message to remind you of who you are. These messages almost never fail to bring a smile to my face.

•Read fascinating research about the heart at the Institute of HeartMath. There are articles and tips on how we can live more in tune with our hearts, connecting our hearts and our minds on a daily basis.

Past Book Picks of the month

Identifying My Core Values
Step One: Look over the list below. Identify the top ten values that are most important to you at this point in your life. Mark these by highlighting them or putting an X in the box. If you don’t see one of your core values, add it in one of the empty boxes. Don’t think too much. Just find the ones that resonate with you. And have fun!

Family Happiness * Self-Respect * Generosity * Competitiveness
Wisdom * Friendship * Recognition * Advancement * Spirituality
Affection * Health * Loyalty * Cooperation * Responsibility * Culture
Adventure * Fame * Inner Harmony *Achievement * Involvement
Order * Wealth * Creativity * Economic Serenity * Pleasure
Integrity * Freedom * Power * Personal Development * Fun
Belonging * Life-long learning * Honesty * Genuineness * Spontaneity
Success * Authenticity * Flexibility * Intimacy * Accountability
Knowledge * Commitment * Community * Connection * Directness
Communication * Efficiency * Sincerity * Gentleness * Professionalism
Strength * Meaning * Compassion * Accomplishment * Character * Influence
Caring * Focus * Follow-through * Truth * Humor * Purpose * Sacrifice
Passion * Emotion * Achievement * Leadership * Marriage * Diversity
Mastery * Duty * Competence * Movement * Heritage * Fulfillment
Excellence * Service * New * Challenges * Planning * Reflection * Hospitality
Concern * Practicality * Nurture * Joy * Partnership * Nature * Romance
Beauty * Love * Exploration * Respect * Movement * Motivation
Progress *Thoughtfulness * Lightness * Changing the world

Step Two: From these ten, pick the five that are most important to you at this time and write a short definition or explanation of each.

Step Three: From these five, pick the one that is most important to you right now.
My most important value:

Coaching Model

Background:
For me, coaching is all about the journey. I’ve heard about the journey and understood it intellectually for years. But it wasn’t until my own coaching journey that I started to understand it in a way that allowed me to actually LIVE it. Through my own journey, I was able to stop searching for THE answer and to start living in a way that allowed me to have more curiosity, joy, acceptance, compassion and love in my life on a daily basis. This enabled me to find and live my something MORE. The model below is the way that I work with you to support you in creating and living YOUR own something more and in finding pure enjoyment throughout the process.


The model elements:
You are HERE: This is naturally the starting point, and is perfect place to start no matter where that is. It involves forming that initial connection that allows you to be able to look within. With help from a pre-coaching questionnaire, you go in and identify your own values. This is the start of the process of truly recognizing or remembering or deciding on what is important in life. What are the essential elements needed? What is it that fulfills you? These are revisited throughout the coaching process and revisions and additions are incorporated into this foundation—the starting point of the journey.

Envision: Here you look more at the destination. You open the big world map to see where you want to go. What is it that is missing in your life right now? What are you looking for? If you look into the future, who would you want to see at the end of our coaching journey together? What would be different? The pre-coaching questionnaire will also help you answer some of these questions so we have a better idea of what the end goal is—or at least some of the main stops along the way.

Exploration & Discovery: This and the next part of the journey (Awareness & Conscious Choice) are closely related, but are still two separate phases. This first stop is all about being curious. About looking at the present and maybe even discovering a bit of the past. Looking with curiosity about our beliefs and about our old patterns. In order to better understand these, we might explore where they come from – where did you learn that? This is when you discover all kinds of both empowering and limiting beliefs. The most important part of this stop on the journey is the air of curiosity—it’s all about leaving the judgment behind. We get to be open and full of wonder—just like on any good travel experience.

Awareness & Conscious Choice: Now that we have explored and discovered those underlying beliefs, the client gets to do an exciting thing. They get to choose! Do they choose this belief or pattern? Is it empowering them or is it limiting them? If this is something they learned in childhood, do they still believe it? Is this consistent with who they truly are? Or is it something someone told them once and they have been carrying it around automatically? This is when we can look at new perspectives if necessary and replace those old out-of-date patterns that just aren’t working.

Energy-filled Action: So many times you create goals, but don’t achieve them. So many times you say you want to do something, but it never gets done. This can be related to ‘the shoulds’. You should lose weight or you should achieve this or that. But when you have discovered, explored and become aware, the conscious choices lead to energy-filled action. This is action not driven by shoulds or old patterns or beliefs, but by true connection to those values that you have discovered and have been building on. Now the action comes from a different place—a natural drive to go forward instead of a difficult struggle that feels unnatural and tiring. The action itself is filled with true energy and you are energized as a result of taking it.

Celebrate: This is a key step in the process. You might often focus on the ‘doing’—getting things done and crossing things off the list. And when you focus on this, there is a tendency to forget to relish the small or even the big events and happenings in life. With this part of the model in mind, I support you in taking the time to celebrate and relish in the moment--any new thought, any new pattern is cause to celebrate. Two essential elements here are gratitude and creating a quiet, reflective space. As coach, my role is to remind you where you were at the beginning and help you see where the journey so far has taken you—and I help you celebrate both those small and big steps along the way.