Emotional Awareness vs. Emotional Indulgence

I listened to a call with Gary Zukav and Linda Francis the other day about tapping into our Authentic Power. Do you know Gary? He’s a favorite of mine so if not, check him out here. Also, I can strongly recommend The Seat of the Soul – I read it years ago and I can say that still, it is one of the books that has had a profound influence on me and my life.

The thing that impacted me the most from the call was when Gary was talking about Emotional Awareness. He talks about how being aware of our emotions is necessary for spiritual learning. Their talk was very much geared to what they label spiritual learning. I don’t necessarily like that wording as I would simply call it Life Learning. And I heartily agree that we need to really feel and be aware of emotions in order to learn about ourselves and about life.

 

It can be tempting to stuff down those emotions as they aren't always so comfortable. If you're not used to feeling fear or guilt or shame or sadness, it can be very disconcerting to allow yourself to feel them. We tend to want to deny them or rush past them. And when we do, we aren't allowing ourselves to truly feel and to learn from this feeling. It can be a little uncomfortable in the beginning. But the more you allow yourself to feel, the more you learn. You can get started with this process with simple questions such as "What am I feeling right now?", "What do I most need right now?"

 

The other side of the coin of not allowing ourselves to feel our emotions is to REALLY let ourselves feel them. This was the gem of the call for me - when Gary said that being emotionally aware was not the same as emotionally indulgent. It is absolutely necessary to FEEL what we are feeling, but it is not helpful at all to get stuck in the emotion. Sometimes we have the tendency to get stuck in the drama of it all, asking questions such as 'why did this happen to me' and 'how could she/he do that to me?'. It's like we get stuck in this loop. And actually, we do - we train our brains to do this. If you haven't read Jill Bolte Taylor's A Stroke of Insight, I invite you to as it's excellent. In the book, she describes how the actual chemical reaction of an emotion lasts 90 seconds. The rest is all us - playing it over and over and over in our brains, strengthening that particular loop.

 

So when you find yourself being emotionally indulgent, take a step back. Remember that you have a choice. And this is when one of my favorite questions is so very helpful. And that is "Ok. This happened. And I'm feeling this way. And as a result of this, who do I choose to be here, right now?"

 

It can take some practice to reach emotional awareness - to feel what we're feeling without indulging in it. I invite you to experiment with this. Be gentle as you practice and notice all the gems you find along the way.

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How Happy Are You?

A couple weeks ago I attended the Happiness Initiative Forum in Santa Cruz. This was a gathering of people to hear more about the topic of Happiness, what it means, how we measure it, etc. I’m over-simplifying now, but basically it has to do with the idea that Happiness or Wellness or whatever we call it, could be a better way to measure the sustainability of a country or community than the GNP – the way a place’s quality of living is currently measured. Activist leaders and authors John de Graaf (Affluenza) and Cecile Andrews (Circle of Simplicity) were the leaders of this discussion. To read more about this movement go to: http://www.happycounts.org/. There’s a survey that gives you a look at your happiness level in different areas of your life. To access it directly, click here.

I found the evening and discussion extremely interesting. The topic of what makes us happy is something I’m always exploring with myself and with clients. Happy can sometimes seem like a hard thing to pin down. What does it feel like exactly? Is it fleeting or does it stick around a while? When are you happiest? How do you know?
 

I know that for me Happiness feels more like the culmination of other sensations & emotions that I experience – joy, contentment, harmony, peace, expansiveness, for example. And it’s not the absence of conflict, necessarily, but knowing that I’m connected enough with myself and that I have the tools I need to handle the conflict.

 
I invite you to explore your own happiness this week. Perhaps start by taking the survey on the happycounts website. Or perhaps use your own internal scale – your own Happiness Scale (there’s a blog post on internal scales here if you aren’t sure what I’m talking about). Whatever feels best for you is the perfect (and happiest!) place to start.

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Relishing the Unknown

Have you ever been in the middle of a situation and you had no idea how it would turn out? Maybe it was a job interview and you’re waiting to hear back about that job you really want or perhaps a test score or someone making a decision about a relationship you’re in or want to be in, or there’s a new home you’d like and you’re waiting to hear if you’ve been accepted as a renter or for a loan.

In these situations, it can be easy to feel as if someone else is deciding your fate. It might feel as if you’re just waiting and you just want the ‘answer’ so you can get on with things. These are certainly times when it can be a challenge to just let go and allow things to flow.

You might want to really TRY in these situations – you might want to force a certain outcome. When we do this, we miss some great learning because we are focused on a particular thing and think that if THAT thing doesn’t happen, then something is wrong.

If you’re in one of these situations now or the next time you are, I invite you to shift your perspective on this. What if instead of being focused on what will happen (which you don’t know), you focus on feeling what you are feeling right now? What if you relish the unknown, knowing that whatever DOES happen, you will never have this particular stage of the unknown again. I know this might be a stretch for you and if so, that's fine. I ask you to just be open to the idea that the unknown is not necessarily something to run from. 

There’s such beauty in the unknown. And letting things unfold as they are meant to can be a beautiful dance. I’m not suggesting you are passive or that you do nothing or say nothing. I’m suggesting you are VERY clear with your intention & that you make it clear to anyone (& everyone!) involved and then you let go & you relish where you are.

Being in this unknown gives us SO much information. We can see how important something is to us (or not). We can notice what things come up to us – see where our attachment is & where we might like to let go just a bit. We can see how much we our trusting – others, ourselves, the universe out there. I invite you to experiment with this – be open to the unknown and to the huge opportunity for learning that comes with it.

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The beauty of the past and present

As I walked the city I had lived in for 15 years total, so many memories came back to me. There were special periods in my life in Stockholm that I knew were special somehow & now looking back, I see how special they were and in what way. Even when you are appreciating the memories you are making, the context changes as we live our lives & things evolve. There are meanings, lessons, learnings, nuances that become more evident when you can look back at them. It’s like the lens gets wider and you can see how things relate.

One day during my visit I went out to meet some friends in a pretty new area in Stockholm. I hadn't been there for years. The last time I was there, it was just being built. Now it was like its own little city on the water and it was quite amazing to see how it had transformed. On the way on the tram, I passed a dear friend’s old apartment and remembered the many visits I had with her there, before I lived in Stockholm and then all the dinners we had together when I did live in there. I remember staying there for 2 weeks while she was gone and I had decided to move back. I remembered all the times we had picnics out on the rocks overlooking the water & all the different friends who joined us during those years.

The memories were flowing during my entire trip and it was almost like watching a good movie. I could almost hear the soundtrack. As I was re-connecting with these memories and meeting my friends and making new memories, I felt so much. And most of all, I felt connection – connection to all the people who made my time in Sweden what it was and connection to me and to the person I was while I was there.

I see how much having that experience has shaped who and where I am now. It’s not totally clear, actually. I’m still processing and the lessons and learnings are still coming. What I do know, though, is that we often hear not to dwell on the past. And I thoroughly agree that it rarely serves us to DWELL on the past. However, it can be an excellent idea to re-visit it now and then and to follow your journey a bit.

What memories or periods in your life would you like to re-visit and learn from? Think back to that time and answer these questions or any others that feel relevant: What made your life rich back then and what were you most missing? How does that compare to where you are now? What is your biggest learning from that time in your life? How did that time lead you to where you are and who you are now?

Running one song at a time

A friend of mine recently suggested I start running one song at a time. I was familiar with the concept, but not necessarily naming it this way. Actually naming the overall idea has really helped me hone in on how important the concept itself is and definitely not just when it comes to running.

I go through spurts with jogging and whenever I stop, I find it a challenge to start it up again. You know what I mean? That happens with lots of habits that make us feel good, but that take a bit of discipline before they become a part of our life. Do you have a routine you'd like to start, but haven't quite made it a habit yet? Then here are a few things to keep in mind.

The main idea behind Running One Song at a Time is finding some element of pure enjoyment. I love music and I love the way my body feels when I move it. So, I recently re-started my jogging routine by finding some gooooood running songs for my iPod. I know what kind of songs make my heart feel big and expansive and make me want to move so those are the kind I chose.

I put my running shoes on & walked until one of those songs came on and then I jogged to the music. Just one song in the beginning. Sometimes I took a break and then I ran for another song, but usually not more than 1 in a row in the beginning. The key was that I let my body decide. I didn't say to myself 'ok. run for 2 minutes and then walk' and I didn't say just run 10 blocks first and then take a break. I actually didn't think at all. I just ENJOYED the music and listened to my body about when it wanted to listen to another song & run a bit more.

I've always known the importance of starting off with small goals in the beginning in order to keep that motivation flowing. But this felt a little different as I was letting go of all of the 'shoulds' and any rules about what is 'best' when you start off jogging. I quickly increased my song selection to 2 and then 3 and then 5 and soon, I was running the entire 3 miles. It felt free and easy and enjoyable and had nothing in common with the 'no pain, no gain' mantra we often hear.

So, keep this in mind next time you'd like to start or re-start a new routine or habit. What might you do to connect with some element of pure joy in this new activity? How can you truly listen instead of pushing in a way you think you 'should' push? Ask yourselves these questions, be curious and enjoy experimenting with this.

 

 

 

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Full Circle

I was a bit absent on my blog this month since I spent the last 3 weeks in Sweden. The trip was rich with memories, learning & lessons. I thought about this story as I sat on the plane on my way there. Whenever I think of it, I am always amazed by the twists and turns of life. And more & more, I see how much is happening in the background without our knowledge if we aren't paying attention AND how much power we have when we DO pay attention.

 

I'll never forget the day I went to my first teaching assignment in Stockholm. I just got hired as a freelance Business English teacher and I took the train out to a suburb to the company I would be teaching for, Telia AB. Just as I was walking up to the building where I would have my first class, it hit me....

About 11 years earlier I was working at a Japanese trading company in Stockholm doing administrative work. I had a lot of contact with customers in Sweden and was the middle person in the purchasing of telephone cables from Japan. Our biggest customer was Telia (at that time it was called Televerket). One of the men I had a lot of contact with told me once that he was taking English lessons that his company provided him with.

I remember thinking that teaching English at a company was something that I wanted to do. I wasn't very fulfilled doing the work I was doing at the time, but didn't see how I could teach English since I had no training. I quickly gave that idea up. A few years went by, a relationship ended and I found myself back in California feeling lost and confused. Finally, I decided it was time to go back to school. I did and earned my MA in Teaching English as a Second Language.

After earning my degree I was ready for another adventure. I found a job in Finland and taught at the university of Turku for a couple of years. This was a huge challenge and a wonderful learning experience. While at the university, the idea of teaching Business English kept coming back to me so in 2002, I decided on a new adventure, going off to Stockholm to see if I could get a job doing just that.

As I stood there that day ready to begin my teaching career in Stockholm, I realized that this was the exact company and the exact location where my customer had been receiving English lessons many years before. It struck me how the plan had been unfolding the whole time without me even being conscious of it.

I've had a few of these experiences in my life and they have taught me the importance of being clear about what we want. As I've become stronger in myself, I've realized also how we can speed up the process of achieving our dreams by talking about what we want, writing about what we want and even living as if we already have what we want. This last one is key as it brings up the FEELINGS of having what you want - which helps the energy wrapped around your goal find you much more easily.

Sound a little spooky? Yeah, maybe. But I can tell you, that day as I realized the synchronicity of what had happened, I knew that I was EXACTLY where I wanted to be doing EXACTLY what I wanted to be doing. I also knew that with even more awareness of what I was choosing to focus on, pretty much anything was and IS possible.

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The Place YOU Call Home

Unless something changes before next month, this blog is a short introduction to next month's newsletter. If you happened to miss my newsletter lately, you can view them by finding Read My Newsletters in the right hand column.

I have long been intrigued by the concept of Home and what it means to all of us and each of us. I'm sure part of my fascination with this subject is because for so many years, I lived so far away from the city/state/country that I called home. Maybe this made me feel more sensitive to the feelings of home.

When does the place or city you live in become your home? How long does it take before a new place becomes home? Does it happen instantly or does it take some time? Are there certain things that need to be in place before you get this feeling? Can you live in one place for years and still feel like it's not really home? Do the feelings of home change? These have been things I have wondered about over the years.

I remember when I decided to leave Sweden to return to California in 2011, I was surprised by the responses of many people - especially those who had lived in Sweden for 20 and 30 years. When I told them my news, there were many who said, 'I think often about going home'. For some reason, I had thought that most of those individuals had made Sweden their home and that they no longer entertained thoughts of going back to the country where they were born. I had never heard these people ever say anything about 'home' before, but it was obviously something that was always present for them.

I am soon off on a trip to Sweden for a visit and that's why I think next month will be the perfect time to explore the topic further in my newsletter.

In the meantime, what are some questions or thoughts that come up for YOU about home?

Bejeweling Television

I have a confession. Sometimes my mind just needs a break. Sometimes the inspiration needs some time to find me (read last week's blog here for more on this). Sometimes I just have a need to do activities that really have only one effect and that's to help me tune out. I really wish that weren't so, but right now, it's the way it is so I've decided to embrace it. I'm also learning a lot from it. So I thought by exploring this with you here a bit, there might be some information and/or insights that would help you uncover some truths about you and your journey.

Even though the activities I choose aren't horrible, I still sense a lot of judgment around these activities on my part. I wish I chose things like meditation and yoga. And while these might be my choices at certain times, my current choices are TV & mind-boggling games on my iPhone.  Whew--that feels good to admit! When I have had some downtime lately, THOSE 2 things are what I have chosen. It's really not very like me - I'm certainly NOT a video game person & the last few years, I've been much more picky with my TV choices. But this is what I've noticed and learned from these habits of late:

1) It didn't really help when I resisted doing these things because it always ended up that I did them anyway. So I stopped resisting & told myself this was just where I was right now. I reminded myself that I wasn't going to become a lazy hermit because of this. As a result, the judgment dispersed & I let it be what is was.

2) I've noticed that I have been really tapping into my creative energy lately. I'm not sure which came first - needing to tune out a bit because I have been more creative or being more creative because I have tuned out more. It doesn't matter. Right now, I'm LOVING the creative energy and following this flow.

3) I've noticed a pattern that I have a need for this sometimes before big events. I'm going off on a 3 week trip in a couple of weeks and it feels like I'm preparing myself in some way. I would like to find other ways to prepare myself, but this is the one I know now and I seem to be going with it. So I'll just go with it AND I'll be thinking of other ways that I might like to explore in the future.

We all have ways to 'turn off' and tune out. With awareness, this can be a way that we re-charge our batteries. However, it is important that the awareness is there. Without it, we might choose activities that are destructive OR we might choose them at the expense of other things such as relationships and connections. This can lead to isolation and loneliness.

So there you have it...my confession of the ways I choose to tune out these days. What does this bring up for you? Are there activities that help you 'tune out' that lead then to a re-charged battery? Are there some of these activities that you'd like to do less of or do you have a good balance? I invite you to explore your 'distractions' and see what comes up for you.

Tetris, anyone?

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The Inspiration Well

Isn't it a beautiful thing when the well of inspiration is full? You know, when you feel inspired to do the things you want to do and it feels effortless. Sometimes it even feels  a little overwhelming because there is SO much to do and it all sounds so good, you don't know where to start.

And then there are the times when the opposite is true. When the inspiration well is running on empty and it feels like everything takes effort. When this happens, it's almost like there is so little in the well, it can be difficult to even find that little spark of inspiration to get you started.

So what do YOU do to fill the well? Where do you find YOUR inspiration? Is there something you like to do that never fails to inspire you - maybe a walk in nature, doing something creative, listening to music?

I definitely have MY list of things to get my inspiration spark lit. And you know what, sometimes none of them work. This can feel frustrating & in times like this, it's tempting to want 'solve' this problem and figure it all out. But I've learned from experience that this is NOT the best way to deal with an empty inspiration well.

When I've tried a few of the things that usually inspire me and I notice that the inspiration still feels like it's gone forever, I know that THIS is the time to step back. Instead of pushing through and trying to find the inspiration at any cost, I must instead relax and stop searching. The more I search, the more I feel the emptiness of the inspiration void.

As I relax into this part of the inspiration cycle, things open up a bit. When they open, I feel these tiny shifts. I realize that I don't need to DO anything. As I relax, as I open, the inspiration energy flows. The more relaxed and open I am, the more likely it is that that inspiration will seep in - that it will find ME.

So, wherever you are in the inspiration cycle, remember that it IS a cycle. I invite you to truly enjoy the times that inspiration comes to you with ease and to appreciate the times that it feels as if it will never return. Explore the things that bring you inspiration and remember that sometimes you might to just need to step back. As you do, be open to those little signs, the little urges, the little shifts - this is the inspiration coming into the well in order to find YOU.

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Where's YOUR sense of adventure?

I've been thinking about Adventure lately & what it looks like to different people. For some, the idea of adventure is jumping out of an airplane, or going white water rafting or training and completing a triathlon. For others, it might be traveling to a new city, moving to a new place or maybe singing karaoke. It's fascinating to hear people talk about what is an adventure for them because it gives us such a sense of each person's comfort zones & boundaries. It shows these completely individual ways of testing the limits.

For me the kind of adventure I have enjoyed most is CHANGE. And really BIG change. A great example of this is when I was just finishing up my MA degree in TESOL at the Monterey Institute. As graduation was approaching I saw an opportunity to teach at a University in Finland. A temporary position for a year. I thought it was perfect -- abroad and relatively close to Sweden, where I'd lived before. So I applied and I got the job. I was a little shocked because I had no teaching experience, just my degree and I was hired to teach 5 university courses. Also, I was graduating in mid Dec and courses started the 2nd week of January. I didn't even have a current passport.

So, I went into action mode and got it all done. I arrived late at night and the head of the department came and met me at the airport. It had snowed A LOT so the plane was delayed. He picked me up in the taxi and had the taxi driver stop at a grocery store to pick up some breakfast for me and then we drove out to the graduate dorms where I would be staying -- outside the city just a bit. He dropped me off and I walked into to this little dorm room with my one suitcase and my little bag of groceries. It was really dark everywhere -- pitch black outside even with the white snow. As I walked in and felt the reality of being in a new country where I knew no one and starting a new job with 5 new classes in just a week's time, I thought OH MY GOSH, WHAT have I DONE?? I panicked a little then and in the weeks to come. This is a perfect example of how I have tested my limits.

When we bring in that sense of adventure into our lives, when we test our limits, what happens is that we are taken to an edge. You know that place where you feel like you are almost stretching too far? What is so exciting about that is that those edges are SUCH rich areas of learning. They can be challenging and very uncomfortable at times and SOOOOO very rewarding. This was certainly my experience with my year (which became 2 & 1/2 years instead!) teaching in Finland.

So, now it's your turn. What is adventure for you? What ways do you like to test your limits? Think about a time when you were brought to an edge--a time you felt like you were really stretching. How did you react? What did you learn? How might you apply what you learned then to a current situation in your life? And finally, what might a new adventure be for you in the near or distant future?

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The Place Next Door

Last weekend I spent a couple of days visiting my sister and brother-in-law in San Francisco. I love visiting the city for lots of different reasons. This trip I decided to go to Grace Cathedral to walk the labyrinths (stay tuned for a blog post on this soon!). I wasn't actually all that interested in the cathedral itself - for me, the draw was the labyrinths.

Boy, was I in for a surprise. As I walked through the beautiful, expansive, impressive cathedral, I was in awe.I always look for experiences like this in the US but don't often find them. I love walking into a church or cathedral and feeling the history, feeling that wonder of how it was built - how much work & planning & artistry went into it. This is what I felt as I walked through Grace Cathedral.

And my awe was also caused by the fact that I lived in the City for 3 years and never visited the Cathedral. It wasn't even that I lived far from it. Actually, my bus and walking routes wereon the very street of the Cathedral. I just never thought to walk in.

Why is it that when things are so close, we often miss them? We're often much more curious about those things that are further away - in another neighborhood, city, state or even country. THAT's what we want to explore. And often there are PLENTY of gems right around the corner from us.

So this week, I invite you to bring that curiosity closer to home. What might you explore that's right next door - a new route, a different street, anew cafe or restaurant or building? Is there something you walk or drive by each day, but have never REALLY seen or looked at? Explore that thing next door this week - who KNOWS what you might discover?

Have YOU had a laugh attack lately?

When I was young, my older sister & brother and I used to have laugh attacks. Now, I say I was young, but actually I think we did this up to about my 20s or so (I'm the youngest of the three of us so I don't think there's an age limit on this one). I'm not sure how or when we ever started it, but we did it for years. One of us would start just with a fake laugh. Then another would fake laugh too. We would keep doing this until we were all laughing uncontrollably. I remember thoroughly enjoying it - it felt satisfying in a way only a really GOOOOOD laugh can.

Laugh attacks can still do their magic. Not very long ago I was with a group of women I didn't know very well at a photo shoot. We were at an old farm and one of the places we were going to shoot pictures in was an old slaughter house. Someone had tried taking away the S, so we were left with a laughter house instead, which I much preferred. Still, the air of the Slaughter house still felt like it was there so I decided to prove it was the Laughter house instead.

 

I went into the little building and just started laughing. It felt a bit fake at first and then suddenly, I was laughing loudly and easily. I heard the women outside all laughing as well. It brought back the strong memories of my sibling laugh attacks and from then on, that little building WAS the Laughter house.

That episode made me remember how quickly we can change the energy around things. Obviously, it's not always appropriate and sometimes we might not really want to laugh through something. But I'm offering laughter as an alternative - a tool to move the energy through and/or around you.

If you're interested in the science of laughter, you might like to read this article. But whether you 're interested in the scientific links to laughter or not, next time you're feeling a heaviness or maybe just that things are a bit stuck, I invite you to laugh; laugh alone or recruit a laugh partner. Yes, it might feel a bit stilted and strange at first, but I promise you, if you keep laughing, you'll experience, firsthand, the benefits of a laugh attack.

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How do YOU define success?

Success is going from failure to failure without losing enthusiasm.

-Winston Churchill

 

I love this quote. It's quite a different view of success than a lot of people have. Usually people think if they haven't succeeded, they have failed. This quote completely challenges that way of looking at success and I always love a good challenge of the 'normal' way of thinking.

The definition of success has been one of those 'hot' topics in my coaching lately. Whenever that happens, it's like I notice it all around me so I've been exploring the topic and bringing it up with lots of different people.

For many, it seems that defining success is linked with how much money they are making - and a complete tally of all the assets and things they have in their lives. That is certainly ONE way to define success. Because this is often the view that we're fed by the society we live in, many of you may not realize that there are LOTS of other ways to define success. It could be that success for you is to have meaningful connections in your life, or to live a balanced life or to contribute in your unique way in the world or to create new opportunities for learning & growth. The list is really endless & naturally, success could be a combination of lots of different things.

So my invitation to you this week is to explore YOUR definition of success. What is success for you? Have you felt it at certain times of your life? If so, what exactly did it feel like - how did you know it was success? Another way to tap into this is to look at other people. Maybe you see someone around you who you feel has succeeded in a way that inspires you. Or maybe you can find parts of the lives of a number of people that you see as successful - combining these parts can help you create your own unique definition of success.

Your definition of success might be something that comes to you quickly or it might take a bit of exploration & reflection. Either way it's perfect & just enjoy. Just remember that If you don't know how YOU define success, it will be very difficult for you to know when you get there. And it is actually entirely possible that you're already there & you don't even know it. Hmmm....

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How is YOUR Self Care?

The idea of self care is something that we hear a lot about in many different ways - it's a rather broad concept & encompasses lots of different things. Most often, we hear about the topic in terms of exercise, sleeping enough & eating well. The self care that I'd like to talk about has a different focus. It's all about listening, looking within, exploring & BEING with YOUR self.

Self care looks different for all of us. Some of us do great in some areas and completely miss others. What's important is that we see where we can develop our own self care & nurture that part self in some way.

One of the parts of self care that I notice many people miss is compassion--not for others but for ourselves. This is one that can be quite challenging. Many of us have a lot of compassion for others, for our friends & loved ones, but not necessarily for ourselves. We often have a lot of judgment & resistance to those parts of ourselves that aren't quite 'good' enough. There can be a lot of beating ourselves up. 'Why did I DO that?, I knew it wasn't right and I did it anyway!' we can ask ourselves and sometimes in a voice we would most likely not use for others (what does YOUR voice sound like?).

When you offer yourself compassion, you stop using that voice. And the compassion isn't self indulgent; it's just...compassionate. When you offer yourself compassion, you're saying 'Let's look at this...Why is this showing up right now? What's it here to teach me?'

This is something that can take some practice (that's why having a coach to help you in the beginning works well :) ). When we offer ourselves compassion, we can step back a bit. We can let go of the judgment. Stepping into the compassion allows you  to accept that quality of yourself and with that acceptance, whatever you were judging, whatever wasn't 'perfect' often gets much weaker; sometimes it disappears.

 
There are plenty of other parts of self care  to discuss, but that's enough for now. How are you doing with the compassion you offer yourself? Do you use that critical, judgmental voice when you do something that is less than perfect? What would it be like to be curious instead - to use the voice of curiosity & discovery? Why don't you give it a try this week and see what happens...

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The squeals of childhood

Have you seen or heard a kid squeal lately? There are lots of things that might make a child squeal - could be a fun game, or splashing in a pool or bouncing high on a trampoline... The list is really endless.

And now I have another question for you. Do you remember when YOU were a kid and you did something sooooooooo wonderful that you just had to squeal?? What was it that made you squeal as a child? Do you remember? I know I squealed in the ocean. It was such a treat and it felt so exciting and free. I also remembering squealing on rollercoasters... Otherwise, I think I missed out on squealing. I was always afraid of sticking out too much.

I got the urge the other day for that kind of squeal. I had told a friend of mine that the roller-coaster at the Boardwalk was calling me and that I thought it would fulfill the need for the child-like squeal. I hadn't ridden a rollercoaster in YEARS. She called one day and said she had an hour in between errands and wondered if she could come and pick me up so we could go for a rollercoaster ride. I was in the middle of writing an article and felt like a break would help me move through my current writing standstill. So if I hesitated at all, it was a nano-second.

She came, picked me up, drove us to the boardwalk, parked the car, we bought tickets, stood in line for about 5 minutes and then squealed for a few more minutes on the ride. The energy around me felt limitless for those few minutes.

When I got home, I felt energized, open and creative. It brought me to a space that we don't always allow ourselves to be in out in the world - where we can just express total joy and/or excitement that bubbles up in us uncontrollably. Giving myself the opportunity to do that was like giving myself a little energy kick and totally changed the space around the writing that I was doing.

So, I invite you to think back and see what things come to mind from your childhood? When did you experience such joy that it was impossible to contain it? And what could you do today (ok, I'll cut you some slack - today or tomorrow :) ) that would allow you to tap into those feelings (whether you remember them from your childhood or not)? Maybe you need a kick of energy or want to change the space your in or just want to feel that child-like excitement and joy. I can highly recommend a rollercoaster!

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The Little Engine That Could

I can remember seeing the film version of the Little Engine That Could book when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. It was one of those that we saw more than once at movie time and whenever it was the film that came on, I was so excited. It was like I couldn't get enough of it.

I've been thinking a lot about my dad these last weeks. It was Father's Day recently and he passed away last year. So when I saw the book in the bookstore the day before Father's Day, and said to a friend that I was an optimist even as a child, I thought of my dad even more. I've always credited my positive attitude to him; at least it was modeled by him in a few different ways. I remember sitting at his office (he owned a music store) reading the posters on his wall. They were all filled with positive sayings and even at a young age, I had my favorites. I found them uplifting and inspiring and I was always extremely excited when he would put up a new one.

I understand those who feel like affirmations and positive 'talk' are just too....positive! For them, it is and I respect that. It's impossible for the words to have any meaning if they don't ring true for you. It's not enough for you to just WANT them to feel true. They must REALLY feel REAL when you say them. That's why I never suggest to clients that they use affirmations unless they feel they really help. If there is any doubt or resistance when you think the positive thought, it isn't the thought for you. One alternative is to just use your imagination--think about what you want & FEEL what it will feel like when you have it. I'm sure that's what the Little Engine was doing as he started up the hill.

I'm also very aware that many people think that sticking to that positive attitude feels like denial. I am not endorsing the resistance of the truth of a situation. I know that it is essential to be open, to see the possibilities, to believe & to learn from what is not working and make the shifts necessary to move forward.

So there's often more to a positive attitude than saying "I think I can'. It involves finding language that works for you. It involves being open & shifting with what IS as it comes. It involves SEEING & FEELING & even LIVING what you want, what you're moving toward.

I wonder about my Dad's positive attitude sometimes-if it rang true for him always. I do know that as he was creating new ideas (which even led to a new invention & business), he believed he 'could'--just like that Little Engine. It was a powerful message to get as a child. I thank him for that. I also thank the Little Engine That Could. Ever since they started telling me I could, I've known they were right.

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Magic Stickers

Ok. So I love stickers. I probably have always loved stickers although I don't really remember playing with them so much when I was younger. I think the sticker market has improved tremendously since I was a child. I mean...just look at these!

I discovered the REAL magic of stickers when I went back to school at 36 to get my Master's Degree at the Monterey Institute of International Studies. In a course about teaching writing, our professor always returned our work with stickers. I can tell you, both men and women, no matter what their age, were equally excited about these stickers. Something like this....

For some reason, as the years went on, I forgot about the magic of stickers. But I recently discovered it again and boy, I can tell you....they really ARE magic. A teacher friend of mine started using them in her high school class and I know she'd be happy to give a testimonial about their magic - girls and boys alike are crazy about the new routine, even at that 'cool-sensitive' age!

So you might be wondering what any of this has to do with anything. Well, it has a lot to do with everything actually. Stickers are fun. They are playful, light - sometimes they are shiny, sometimes they are encouraging like your own personal cheerleader. They can be great motivators and sometimes I invite my clients to bring some playfulness in with their favorite stickers. You can find all different kinds to match your mood, to match your personal preferences. I really like flower stickers.

Here is some of my collection:

When you put stickers in a book or put them in your journal or stick them in an unexpected place, I'd be really surprised if you didn't smile when you catch a glimpse. AND people get really excited when you share stickers. When you need to lighten up someone's day (including your own), when you want to bring some child-like play energy to your day, when you want to feel some fun encouragement....please, go ahead and break out the stickers. You'll be glad you did, I'm sure of it!

YOUR Energy Scale

So one of the things I often ask my clients to do is to be very aware of their energy. I talked about this in a newsletter a while back so click here to read that if you're interested. I'd like to revisit this & offer a few more thoughts now.

I invite my clients to get very clear about what gives them energy and what takes their energy. If you haven't thought about this before, start being curious about it. When you do something, or spend time with someone, see what happens....do you get a 'kick' of energy or do you feel drained?

At times, this can be a little tricky since if we are running on little fuel (due to too many commitments, lack of sleep, poor eating habits etc), our energy gauge is off. If you want to play the Energy Game, it's best to do it when you have a bit of fuel in the tank.

So once you know there is a little reserve there, think about YOUR scale. What do you feel like when you have a 'good' amount of energy? On a scale from 1 to 10, is this optimal amount a 5 (sort of like an Even Steven feeling) for you or a 10 (the faucet is turned on FULL blast) or somewhere in between? There's no right answer since it depends on YOUR relationship with energy. What does it feel like when you are drained and how do you know? When are you maybe using too much energy? These are all questions you can explore and answer for yourself. And they can lead you to the next powerful question... 'How much of my  time do I spend  doing things that fill me up?'

Again, I'd like to remind you that this is your OWN scale and not someone else's - like your partner's or your best friend's or society around you. This can be quite fun when you start exploring it. Of course the ways we get our energy are completely subjective. It's easy, though, to be influenced by what OTHERS think is a good way to use energy. I invite you to think about this - which ways do the people around you think are the 'right' ways to spend your time & energy? Do they match what YOU think?

Here's a simple example...You might be totally fueled by going to a party and spending time with many people, while most often, that would totally drain me. Instead, my energy comes from being in smaller groups and having one-on-one time with people.

 
Remember, there is no 'right' way. And naturally it doesn't mean you can always avoid the things that drain you. It does mean, however, that you can become more aware of how you are spending your time. Once you start tapping into this, it becomes essential to honor yourself this way. When you do this, the fuel lasts MUCH longer and therefore, there is much more of YOU to go around. So....what does YOUR energy scale look like?


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Listen

Such a beautiful word. Sounds like a simple thing as well. To listen. And sometimes it is simple. Other times we do ALL kinds of things so we can avoid listening. We do this with others sometimes. When someone is talking to us and instead of REALLY listening and hearing what they are saying, we are somewhere else. Maybe we are even thinking about what we want to say when they have finished their sentence. When you aren't REALLY taking in what they are saying, there isn't a lot of listening going on.

And how about when it comes to yourself? It can be VERY tempting to not listen in this dialogue as well. Sometimes there are sooooo many 'voices' going on in our heads, it is difficult to know which one is the TRUE voice. And sometimes instead of figuring that out, we decide we'll just push those voices out of the way and try not to focus on them. We figure they'll go away; they'll get tired after a while and leave us alone.

However, this really doesn't work. Even if the voices we are avoiding do get quieter (which usually is NOT the case), often this just means they show up in some other way -- maybe a heightened conflict, an illness, discontent.

Listening is a key element of going from Just Fine to that something MORE than just fine. And the key is really to be curious about ALL the voices. They are all just different parts of ourselves wanting to be heard. You know like a small child tugging on our sleeve, wanting some attention. When we give the voice the attention it wants, it often gets quieter. Or at least we can feel as if we're working together with it instead of fighting it.

Today, tune into your voices. Maybe there's one that you KNOW is there, but you've been trying to push down, push away. Remember that the voice just wants to be listened to. Be curious about it and ask it what it wants you to know. See if you can get past judging it -- it's not good or bad. It's just a part of you that wants to be listened to. See if you can get a little quiet, take a breath and do just that...listen.



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THERE - T = HERE

Another big part of living in the Just Fines is always wondering when you will be THERE. We all have a THERE. And actually, we probably have MANY different THEREs that we are trying to reach. These little THEREs sometimes make it difficult to appreciate where you are. HERE. What a difference that T makes.

When we are not THERE yet, we feel unfulfilled, dis-satisfied, maybe even stuck and lost. It's like nothing we do is ever enough. We feel like we're pushing and pushing and never getting ahead. And we aren't. Because it's impossible to get ahead when you keep adding more and more
things to the list and keep focusing on all that you still have to do.

I hear from clients often that they are trying so hard to get THERE, they are not appreciating any of the HERE. When you do this--focus on all that you still have to achieve, still have to do, still have to be--you forget to acknowledge, appreciate and RELISH all that you HAVE achieved, all that you HAVE done and all that you ARE.

So, what does your HERE look like right NOW? What are its gifts and challenges? And how might those challenges be gifts in themselves? This might be a big leap for you. That's ok. Just be open to the question. Be open to your HERE and all it is. Now.

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